oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize