I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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