I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
