yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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