someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
