hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
