dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
