my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
