Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
