I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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