i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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