im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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