he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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