I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
