someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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