respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
True strength comes from lack of pants
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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