dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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