I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
