party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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