There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
