I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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