During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
We got so high we made milksteak
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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