i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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