I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
