Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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