I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
