i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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