Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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