if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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