I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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