i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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