if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize