I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
