She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Green mimosas i think yes
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
