Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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