I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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