So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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