I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
