the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
