I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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