I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
