Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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