How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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