she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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