i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
