he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize