I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
