So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
