so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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