Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
