I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
it glows. i had to have it.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
