Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
