Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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