Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
