My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
