tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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