Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
