You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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