you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
