Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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