I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
