There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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