I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
