does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
