Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
