I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
But theres a keg here and me gusta
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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