If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
