You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize