Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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